When Getting What You Want Changes You

30 October 2026

I’ll say it. I’m more than three months in and I’m still stunned by my new life. I got exactly what I wanted — the chance to build a beautiful life with someone I love. But it doesn’t look anything like I thought it would in my twenties or even my early thirties. [INSERT Sex & the City fueled dream-scape]. Sometimes, I think to myself, “How could it be that I actually moved to Europe? Without a job?! And for a man?! Girl, who are you??” And really though, who am I?! I don’t recognize many parts of myself — the part that goes with the flow (IYKYK), the part that wants to jump in the river, the part that notes we’re low on cheese (See previous post, say what?!), the part that feels valuable even without a job. I’m not the same girl who left the U.S. a few months ago, that’s for sure. How Moving Has Changed Me Embracing Uncertainty When my husband and I first started talking about me moving to Switzerland, I wanted the maximum amount of certainty. You see, I’m a Virgo so I love a list of things to do and a plan, a strategy, and/or system to accomplish that list. Always know how you’re going to survive. If you had asked me three years ago, I would have said, “Uncertainty — I’m sorry to that (wo)man, I don’t know her!” I remember telling my husband as we discussed the move, “I won’t move before I get a job. I can’t move just for you.” (I’m sometimes an ass, I KNOW). At the time, it felt like the right approach, separating our relationship from the stress of a trans-continental move and job search. What I didn’t understand at the time was how deeply getting married would change me. Soon after we got married, my husband moved back to Switzerland. And so began long distance. True to my Virgo nature, we arranged for daily calls and reuniting every six to eight weeks. I made it maybe one month before I said, “fuck it, job or no job, I need to be in the same place as this man ASAP.” As word spread about my impending move to Europe, people would ask what I planned to do for work, and I would reply, “I don’t know, I’ll figure it out when I get there.” Luckily I didn’t need to worry about where to live or what I would eat, thanks, Husband. But still — WHAT?? Noma without a logic-based, four point plan?!?! My poor immigrant parents stood by (quietly and not so quietly) beside themselves. My then boss looked at me askance and sent me many job descriptions. But none of it changed a thing. He was the only certainty I wanted. We’re now four months into the move, I’m writing this in my favorite coffee shop, I still don’t know what I’m going to do for work. And that’s OK. Getting what you want sometimes requires opening up to things you don’t usually identify with. Enjoying The Great Swiss Outdoors Before I moved to Switzerland, people would say, “oh you must enjoy the outdoors. Do you like to ski, or hike or…” and I would answer, “oh no, none of that. I’m not really an outdoors person. I’m more of a champagne and shopping girlie.” And my response was usually met with either a blank stare or a look of pity. After three months, I can bravely report that not much has changed. Except that I have swum in two glacially cold rivers and several lakes without coercion. I have even hiked to get to one of the said rivers without fainting. I’ve truly enjoyed being in these natural bodies of water. That is, except on one particularly memorable occasion, I stepped into the lake without realizing that it was… a lake. I watched my husband dive in and thought, “OK, Noma. You can do this. You, too, can glory in the great outdoors.” So I gingerly lowered myself off the dock and into the mountain lake water, and it was only when my toes touch the slimy algae muck laden rocks at the bottom did my brain realize — THIS IS NOT A POOL. You can imagine my face. And if you can’t imagine the face I made, send a message and I’ll reply with a quick recreation. All that said, being in Switzerland has allowed me to engage with nature in a humbling and exciting way. I feel much more part of the plant Earth as a living, breathing home than I ever did in the U.S. (except perhaps during a trip to Oregon in 2024). Living in Switzerland reminds me that I am a small part of something much larger than myself. And I find myself seeking that feeling over and over again. My goodness, how I have changed! Seeing My Worth Beyond Work First, let me start by admitting that as an American based in Washington D.C. for over a decade, I completely and solely identified with and felt my worth through my profession. Maybe it had to do with the “And what do you do?” questions that would determine the length of conversation with anyone new you met on a Saturday night. Maybe not, but I know I’m not alone in this. That job-based identity is part of how and why American companies and organizations get away with giving only two weeks of paid leave without revolt and strikes in the streets. We are our jobs. I’m pretty convinced that in my first three months of living in Switzerland, my husband took more days off than I did all of 2024. I tell anyone who will listen that in the U.S. there’s a work culture that quietly says, “If you can afford to take so much time off, maybe you’re not as essential as we think. If we can survive without you, we don’t need you. Thank you, please exit left and don’t let the labor rights sign hit you on the way out.” For better or worse, many, many workers don’t want to feel replaceable. And that leads to identifying your worth with your job. At least it did in my circles. In Switzerland, people can apply to jobs to work between 60 and 90 percent of the week (receiving the equivalent amount of salary). Ummm . . . what?! People can choose not to work full time and still have healthcare? Anyway, that’s a roundabout way of saying that people in Switzerland (notorious for working the longest hours in Europe) don’t usually identify with their jobs. They see their worth as tied to the communities they come from (for better or worse), they identify and organize through sports clubs, organization memberships, the cheese they like, and maybe the rivers they jump into during summer. Living in Switzerland for three months has made me realize that it’s been a long time since I identified beyond my job title, be it as a Capitol Hill staffer, or a law student, or a non profit worker. I’m now interested in identifying with something that has nothing to do with my labor. It could be my passion for fashion, or my love of reading, or the hobby I have yet to pick up. Maybe it’s living in a love bubble with my favorite person for months, maybe it’s swimming in the green-blue river that divides our small town, maybe it’s the time I’ve had to think about the state of the world. I can see my worth as being intrinsic to simply existing. The beautiful thing is that I have clarity, for the first time in a long time, that I am worth more than the job I do. Originally published on Substack on September 29, 2025.